America is inflamed with passion. There are riots in the streets. Grown men are afraid to look their children in the eye. Women are weeping and babies are crying. Families are being ripped apart. This is end of the country as we know it. Society is in chaos and one company is responsible. Is this what you wanted, Pizza Hut? It is us who will pay the heavy price for your hubris. We are the ones who will pay for the Hot Dog Bites Pizza.
I’m not sure what drove me to it. Do I really hate myself this much? Turns out the answer is yes. The gun was already in my mouth. I just needed Pizza Hut to pull the trigger. Before I knew what I was doing, my money was in my hand and my pizza was on the way. I should have known better. Let’s break down what we have here. Pizza Hut in their infinite wisdom decided that they have grown tired with their reputation as the pizza equivalent of the missionary position. Unfortunately, they forgot about the benefits of pre-game stretching and managed to over-extend right out of the gate. Hot Dog Bites Pizza. Kind of rolls right off the tongue doesn’t it? Almost like vomit.
What is it, you ask? Well, in the center we have something that I like to call the “Safe Zone”. This is where Pizza Hut decided to hide the traditional part of the pizza. It’s really nothing special. You pick your toppings and make fun of that one friend who suggests anchovies. There’s always one, isn’t there? Next, there is the outside circumference. An orbit of obscenity. A rancid ring of wrong. Where the comfort of the crust usually lies, there is instead an alarming number of mistakes named Hot Dog Bites. I guess the term “Pigs In A Blanket” is trademarked. This isn’t exactly a terrible idea at a glance. Hot dogs are wonderful. There is nothing more magical than the great American tradition of molding processed meat into convenient tube form. Somehow replacing the bun with biscuits gains the user a net positive. Take that biscuit and replace it with pretzel dough. Then put a whole pizza in the middle. The whole endeavor isn’t the healthiest option but it doesn’t strike me as particularly revolting. Hell, I’m actually kind of excited about it, although it says a lot about my cholesterol levels that this is enough to get my heart racing. Something went wrong, though. In the process of putting the “masterpiece” together, the experiment soured. Much like my stomach roughly 45 minutes later.
I can’t believe I knowingly ingested this garbage myself. I would like to blame a hastily written ransom note, a threat of bodily harm, or even ISIS if I could get away with it. Alas, I am only the victim of my own masochism. You might be getting the idea that the pizza didn’t turn out as appetizing as I had hoped. You would be painfully correct. Pizza Hut offers two options with their Hot Dog Bites Pizza. Regular biscuit Hot Dog Bites or Pretzel Hot Dog Bites. I’m no pussy, so I obviously choose the pretzel path. I like to think of myself as a low rent sommelier. As such, I figured a standard pepperoni pie would best pair with the tang of the sauce and the shame of the Hot Dog Bites. For the actual consumption of the product, I decided to forgo starting ass end first. I’m not an animal. Instead, there was a little pizza foreplay. A building of anticipation before the magical moment. One bite after another of classic pepperoni familiarity. Each bite a tantalizing tease from my true desire of a salty, meaty climax. Then at last, the moment that was not to be denied. The pretzel. The hot dog. The most subtle mixture of rubbery cheese and pizza sauce that $12 can buy. Terrible. A masterpiece of imperfection. A portrait of profanity. The single worse imagining of food I’ve a ever stumbled upon. It’s not a pizza. It’s a sin against God. Let me paint you a picture to describe the taste. Do you remember that first Batman movie where Jack Nicholson fell into that vat of chemicals to turn into the Joker? Take that syphilitic old man acid goo, throw in a can of Chef Boyardee, and drag it through a playground sandbox. Now you will have a rough idea of aggravated assault I put my taste buds through.
How am I supposed to explain this to my kids? The trust has been broken. For as long as I can remember, pizza has been a haven of safety. A port in the storm of bad decisions and cheap beer. The Hot Dog Bites pizza is gastroatrocity of unprecedented magnitude. The consumer has spoken and the stage has been set. Other restaurants are going to start thinking this sort of edible garbage is acceptable. What’s next? Maybe chicken wing hamburgers? A peanut butter and jelly sushi roll? Perhaps a mayonnaise martini? Do you want to live in that world? I don’t. Shame on you Pizza Hut. Shame. On. You.